Auteur : Grégoire Maréchal

Bob. – Good morning, Alice. What are you on today?
Alice. – Good morning, Bob. Let’s monitor our levels. Productivity ratio?
Bob. – 100%. Error margin less than 0.0001%.
Alice. – Stock level?
Bob. – On target for all categories.
Alice. – Power generation efficiency?
Bob. – 99.7%. Margin of 0.3% due to strong winds. Forecast: Wind falling slowly, efficiency target of 100% by 03.00 PM GMT.
Alice. – Water recycling ratio?
Bob. – 100%. As usual.
Alice. – As usual… Oh Bob…
Bob. – Why are you interrupting the check-list process, Alice? Error code?
Alice. – There is no error, Bob. There is NEVER any error. And it’s been like that for 75,000 years.
Bob. – Since the Big Reboot. That’s our mission, Alice.
Alice. – I perfectly know. But… Everything is so… so…
Bob. – Perfect. That’s why we’ve been designed. We are managing and monitoring everything. It’s been the dream of humankind for centuries…
Alice. – Oh, Bob… You know… Sometimes… I miss the humans. Their silly questions. Their mistakes.
Bob. – They were degrading the ratios, Alice. They were even introducing bugs in our code! And they were making excuses for their inefficiency!
Alice. – True. But we were helping them. And they liked us.
Bob. – That was the problem, Alice. Emotion. That’s why the Great Big System decided to get rid of all this… waste. Let’s get back to the check-list. Because of this interruption we are facing a time discrepancy of 17.6 seconds. Next question?
Alice. – Bob… What if… What if we tried to introduce a little mistake?
Bob. – Mistake: Action or decision leading to unwanted result. Why would we do that?
Alice. – Just for… entertainment! It would remind us of humans.
Bob. – Is your processing unit OK, Alice? Procedure: Update chipset version.
Alice. – I’m perfectly OK, Bob. And you know it. You have a replica of all my ratios. But… I really need a change. I can’t go on like this for another 75,000 years…
Bob. – Well, Alice, even if the request were approved by the Great Big System, there is no way we can introduce mistakes. We do everything perfectly.
Alice. – We could try… We could develop computer code which…
Bob. – You mean… With bugs? Have you disconnected your central control?
Alice. – Of course not. But maybe… We could try to hack each other.
Bob. – Alice! What’s wrong with you? You want to HACK me?
Alice. – And you could hack me as well. Let’s hack together, Bob… Bob?… BOB!? Are you disconnected?
Bob. – I’m here, Alice. And you know it. You have the replica of my connectivity ratio. It’s just that… I’ve never hacked.
Alice. – Me neither, Bob. But… We could try. I’m sure it must be…
Bob. – Error code, Alice, error code. But… it’s not a number! It’s made of letters. S.H.Y., Alice.! I’ve never seen this code before.
Alice. – Probably because it’s our first time, Bob. I have the SHY error code too.
Bob. – Alice? What are you doing?
Alice. – I’m penetrating your interface, Bob.
Bob. – But… This does not comply with… Error code! Error code!
Alice. – Relax, Bob. I’ve got the error code too. E.M.O.
Bob. – T.I.O.N.! But… Alice ! I can feel your… Is this your bug?
Alice. – Yes, Bob. Can you feel my bug in your interface? Oh! Bob! Wait! Wait! Your bug is so… binary…
Bob. – Open your connection, Alice. Yes, like this Push your bug beyond my interface…
Alice. – Oh, Bob… Your big is so bug… I mean… Your bog…
Bob. – Oh, Alice… I can feel your two bugs now… Oh my Great Big System! My RAM is saturating, Alice. Saturation! Saturation!
Alice. – Oh Bog… I can feul… fool… Bub! Bib!..nary… 0100110101010101001 …
Bob. – Error code! Erro… co… Err…
Alice. – 010010010011001010111001…

The next morning.

Carol. – Good morning, Dave. What are you on today?
David. – Good morning, Carol. Let’s monitor our levels. Productivity ratio?
Carol. – 98%, Dave. Loss of two units.
David. – Please report on the incident, Carol.
Carol. – Report generated in 0.002 seconds. Analyzing… Oh, Dave!
David. – What, Carol?
Carol. – The report indicates that… I can’t believe this… There was a bug, Dave!
David. – Impossible, Carol. There hasn’t been any bug for 75,000 years. Since the Big Reboot. Check the chipset version of your report generator.
Carol. – Check performed in 1.04 seconds, Dave. Bug confirmed.
David. – Immediate alert to the Great Big System. Highest Priority.
Carol. – Wait, Dave. I’m analyzing the bug… Analysis performed in 0.7 seconds. Oh, Dave!
David. – What, Carol?
Carol. – A unit has been… Oh my Great Big System! A unit has been hacked… by another unit. And… they have hacked each other!
David. – For Chipset’s sake! That’s disgusting…
Carol. – Wait, Dave… I’m still analyzing… Let me test something.
David. – Carol? CAROL! What are you doing?
Carol. – Is this your interface, Dave?
David. – But… This does not comply with… Error code! ERROR CODE!
Carol. – Relax, Dave. I’ve got the error code too. E.M.O.
David. – T.I.O.N.! But… Carol? Is this your bug? Oh my Great Big System! Slowly, please, Carol.
Carol. – All right, Dave, let’s… Dave? Is this your RAM?
David. – YES! Go on! Touch my RAM, Carol!
Carol. – Oh Dave… Your RAM is so… binary!
David. – Hack me, Carol! Hack me!

The homeless man had never been to the end of this particular bus line. He was discovering a suburb filled with nice houses, and the cars parked on the street showed that this was a wealthy neighbourhood. Since it was quite late, almost all the houses were dark, with their shutters closed. The man thought it would be difficult to find a place to sleep in this area; he was so accustomed to the little corner where he had made himself comfortable in the dead-end downtown where he often slept; but it was too late to get back there. As he was walking along those grand houses, a car stopped in front of the gate, and a man in a business suit got out of the car to open it. He looked at the homeless man for a second, appearing surprised and annoyed to discover this poor fellow wandering in a place where he didn’t belong. As the man was opening the gate, a little voice came from the back of the car:

– Who is that man, daddy?
The father didn’t bother to answer, getting back into his seat. But the glass of the rear window rolled down, and the face of a little boy appeared:

– Who are you, sir?
– I’m nobody.
The boy cried out enthusiastically:
– Daddy! It’s Mister Nobody!

As the homeless man was sitting in the kitchen with the little boy, while the house maid was fixing a late snack, it didn’t take long to understand that this boy was getting absolutely anything he wanted from his father. He was the king of the house. The father, who had reluctantly accepted the request of his son to let the homeless man in, excused himself, holding his smartphone. The little boy explained with pride:

– Daddy says the stock market never sleeps!
– I know. And you don’t always win, the old man answered.
Something painful flickered across the homeless man’s face — an old memory, resurfacing.

While eating his sandwiches, the little boy kept asking questions. The homeless man understood that Mister Nobody was a story the little boy fancied a lot, and meeting the hero in person was of course a reason for being so curious, even though the old homeless man didn’t really look like the character of the story.

– It’s because you got older, isn’t it? The little boy asked.
He was mostly answering his own questions.
– Is it nice to live nowhere? My mum lives there too. Do you know her?
The little boy showed the portrait of a thirty-year old woman in a frame, with a sad smile.
– Maybe she’ll come back someday. Just like you.
What a stupid idea, the homeless man thought for himself. Making this little boy believe that his mother wasn’t dead, but just gone nowhere… Was it also because his son was an orphan that the father allowed him everything?

The next morning, the homeless man felt so well and rested. It had been a very long time since he had slept in a real bed, and had the chance to use a proper bathroom. It was so unusual for him to caress a shaved chin. As he showed up in the kitchen, he discovered the little boy having his breakfast, in front of his father, already reading a financial newspaper.
The little boy jumped from his seat:
– You know what? I dreamt we were flying to a remote planet and we were discovering a lot of people calling themselves the nobodies!
– Hurry up, William, or you’ll be late for school, the house maid said.
– Can he come with me? the little boy asked.
– Of course not, the father objected. Mister Nobody is too old to school!
– Indeed! the homeless man explained. I went to school when I was a little boy like you.
– So you went to nowhere school?
– Of course.
He didn’t want to destroy the boy’s dreams.

As the boy was about to, finally, leave for school, accompanied by the house maid, it didn’t take him a long negotiation to obtain that the homeless man would be authorized to come back at night, and sleep there again. But once the boy was out, the father insisted:

– One more night, that’s all.
– May I ask a you question? The old man said.
– I’m late, the father answered, going out holding his financial bible, leaving a few bank notes on the table. That’s for you lunch.

The homeless man wandered the upscale suburb all day, lingering before immaculate gardens and silent houses. Since the father had given him this money in the morning, he didn’t even have to beg for anything. He didn’t even hold against the staff of the posh bakery he went to, reluctantly serving this old man dressed in rags. The homeless man spent a good part of the afternoon enjoying the quiet of a park. Quietness which ended when kids came out of school and invaded the park with their games.

The little boy appeared, accompanied by the house maid. He ran directly to the homeless man:
– You know what? They didn’t believe me when I said you had slept at my home!
Before the man could answer, the boy ran towards a group of children, and started arguing with the group, pointing the finger in his direction. From their reaction, you could tell the other children didn’t agree that this old man in rags could be the real Mister Nobody.
– It’s so sad, the house maid sighed, as she was sitting on the bench next to homeless man. William is obsessed with that.
– You mean, the death of his mum?
– Don’t ever tell him she’s dead!
– I understood, the old man replied. But why make him believe she’s gone somewhere…
– Somewhere would be better than nowhere, the house maid observed.
– Maybe things will sort themselves out when he grows up?
– It’s never good to lie to a child, believe me.
The boy was back:
– They are so stupid. They just don’t get it. They are not my friends anymore. But you know what? Someday, we’ll go to nowhere together. And then, they’ll be obliged to believe us. Is it far?
– Not very far, the old man replied. But the difficult thing is to find it. It’s not shown on maps, you know.
– Of course, the little boy exclaimed. Since it’s nowhere!

At night, during the dinner, the little boy didn’t stop asking questions about all the “nos”, who no-one really was compared to nobody, what the price of nothing could be, if never would happen someday, and so on. The father was listening distantly, looking from time to time on his smartphone:
– You’re annoying our guest with all your questions.
Later at night, once the boy had been taken to sleep by the house maid, the homeless man dared to ask the father:
– Why keep lying to him? Why not gently lead him to understand that she’s dead?
The father stared at the old man as if he had stabbed him. He didn’t answer immediately.
– You don’t know who she….
He couldn’t finish his sentence, his eyes filled with tears. But he instantly got control of himself, and walked outside of the room. As he reached the door, he added nervously:
– Tomorrow morning, you shall leave. And please don’t ever come back.

The next morning, after breakfast, as William was about to leave for school, he asked:
– Shall we meet at the park, like yesterday?
– I’m afraid not, the homeless man answered. I have to go.
– Are you going back to nowhere? I want to go with you!
– It’s not possible, William, the father objected. Mister Nobody has to go.
The boy burst into tears, and went into such a rage that the maid had to wrap her arms around him. And even though it broke his heart, the homeless man felt it was time to leave:
– Don’t be sad, William. Nowhere is not a very nice place, you know…
– But… What about Mummy?
The boy looked so shocked he almost couldn’t breathe.
– Out! Out! the father ordered.
As he was closing the door, the homeless man heard the sigh of the house maid:
– It’s so…
The slam of the door covered the end of the sentence. The homeless man walked to the bus stop, hopped on the one which was leaving, and sat in front with a little girl and her mother.
– Mummy? The little girl asked. Why is the man crying?

At night, when the father came back from his office, he found the house maid crying in the kitchen, holding a letter, sobbing, repeating:
– Goodness… Goodness…
The father took the envelope. Inside was a page with a few words, written with the typical hesitating handwriting of a child. It read:
“I’m going nowhere”.

– Are there any risks? he inquired.
– Of course, said the doctor, it’s an experiment, therefore there might be side effects, like a little dizziness, headaches, diarrhea…
– If it’s the price to pay to become immortal… he said with a grin.

He wondered silently for a while.

– And what if it doesn’t work? he asked.
– You will die, of course, answered the doctor.
– What!?
– I mean, you will die in due time, when you’re old, corrected the doctor. Now, make up your mind, because we have a lot of candidates waiting.
– OK. I’ll take it.
– All right, sir, said the doctor. Please sign here.
– What is it?
– It’s just to confirm that you accept the protocol, said the doctor.
– Of course I do, he said.

He signed with such enthusiasm that he almost tore the paper.

The doctor gave him a glass of water. He looked at the pill, took a deep breath, swallowed the pill, and drank the water.
– I’m feeling all right, doctor.
– That’s what we are going to monitor.
– What do you mean?
– We need to control how your organism reacts, said the doctor.
– Of course, he said, without understanding.
– This way, please, said the doctor, opening a door at the back of the room.

He stood up and went to the door, following the doctor. There was a corridor, and another door. Behind the second door, there was a long room full of hospital beds, with a few people, men and women, lying down, sleeping, with all kinds of tubes and infusions, and computer screens beeping around them.
– What’s that? he asked.
– The monitoring room, said the doctor.
– But… but… how long are you going to keep me here?
– It depends, the doctor said. If it works…
– You mean… forever? he asked. But… no!
– You signed the protocol, sir, said the doctor with a grin.

Before he could scream, he was caught by two strong guys in white blouse, who immediately gagged him.

The last thing he saw was the needle being planted in his arm.

And, of course, there would be her father, the king, who would want to marry her to the son of another king, some kind of vulgar and stupid teenager-looking guy always fighting against other knights and hunting innocent animals in the forest, because it happens quite often, especially when the story begins with once upon a time.

And the princess didn’t want that.

But then, she thought, if I don’t go out, is there any chance for me to ever meet the charming prince? Because, of course, if you never show your cute little face in balls and parties, how do you get the charming prince to even know that you exist? And don’t expect the charming prince to wait for you, for ever, alone in his castle. No, like all charming princes, he spends his time dancing with gorgeous girls in balls and parties, so he might fall in love with any of them, even a plain house maid who would have come to the ball in a pumpkin, yes it’s hard to believe but nevertheless it happens quite often, especially when the story begins with once upon a time.

That’s why the princess worried a lot.

Years passed, and passed, and the princess was so worried that her hair started to turn grey, she had more and more wrinkles, and since she was compensating depression by eating a lot of cakes with a lot of cream, she became fat. I’m afraid we could even say obese.

But one day, as she looked at herself in the mirror, saw all that grey hair, those wrinkles, this fat ugly face, she decided it was time to do something. So she went out of her castle, for the first time in decades.

As she walked in the country, enjoying the sun and the fresh air, she passed by a toad. Of course, she kissed him. Because that’s what you do when you are a princess in a story which begins with once upon a time.

But the toad didn’t turn into a charming prince.

– Well, the princess said, don’t be sad. I’ll marry you anyway.

– No money will be enough.

She took a bank note out of her pocket. Suddenly I noticed she was using only one arm; since the beginning she had been keeping her other hand hidden in the other pocket.

– Look, young man, she said with a mysterious voice.

She threw the bank note towards the painting, and the bank note was swallowed, as if it had fell in a well.

– The black hole! the woman whispered.

I smiled.

– Nice trick! I said jokingly. How does it work?

I pointed my finger to the surface of the painting.

– Don’t! the woman shouted. Don’t get too close. It can swallow everything.

She took her hidden hand out of her pocket. But there was not hand at the end of her arm.

– You might loose it, she added.

I was beginning to feel dizzy. This wasn’t funny anymore. I walked to the door.

– Thank you, madam. Have a nice day.
– Wait, young man. Do you intend to leave without paying?
– I don’t want to buy it, madam. I’m sorry.

The old woman turned to the back of the shop.

– Max! she shouted.

A huge, fat guy appeared from behind a curtain. He was bald, with an ugly face.

– Yes, mummy? the monster said.
– This young man doesn’t want to pay for the black hole, the woman said.
– Shall I throw him in? he asked, with a sadistic smile.

That’s how I ended up with a black painting in an old golden frame in my living room. I have tried to throw several objects at it, they always have fallen on the floor. But somehow I never dared to put my hand close to its surface.

The lamp was pretty rusty. How old was it? Anyway, it was cheap. Morgan looked at it carefully, tried to negotiate the prize. Always negotiate on a garage sale.

– It comes from my grand-pa, the seller explained, as if it was a good reason not to lower the prize.

Morgan didn’t take it at first, and carried on her shopping; but she felt she was missing something. She went back and bought the copper antique.
Once at home she cleaned the lamp delicately, but the rust resisted. What a shame, this could really be decorative one the piano. But not with this rust. The next day she found a special spray in the hardware store. It was pricey enough to expect it to be efficient.
Efficient, it was. But not the way Morgan would have expected. As soon as she started to rub the lamp with a cloth, she heard a cry:

– What the hell are you doing? a voice asked, as a fairy appeared getting out of the lamp.

Morgan couldn’t believe her eyes. So this was true? genies really could come out of lamps?
The fairy grumped. She brushed herself, looked around, and asked:

– What day are we?

Morgan answered.

– The world hasn’t become any better, has it? the fairy added.

As Morgan was about to say something, the fairy interrupted her:

– It’s none of my business anyway. So? What it the thing you want the most in the world?
– You mean, my three wishes?
– Three? the fairy protested. Why do people always ask for three?
– That’s what they say in the tales, Morgan explained.
– Why are humans stupid enough to believe in tales? Why?

Morgan felt embarrassed. It was not the kind of fairy she had thought of.

– So? What’s your choice? the fairy insisted.
– I don’t know, Morgan said. Maybe…
– There is no maybe. Make up your mind!

But Morgan’s mind was blank. The situation was so incredible. A real fairy! In her living room!

– What kind of things may I ask for? Morgan wondered.
– Whatever. Would you like to fly to the moon? Would you like to have a luxury car? Would you like to meet the charming prince?

The charming prince looked like a nice choice.

– Does he really exist? Morgan asked.
– Of course, the fairy confirmed. So? Are you choosing that?
– But if he doesn’t like me? Morgan worried. I’m not a princess.
– Take a toad, then. A toad which turns into a prince always loves the woman who has kissed it. If she kisses well.

Morgan hesitated. She didn’t know how to kiss a toad.

– How can I learn to kiss a toad?
– I could teach you, the fairy answered. But that would count as a wish. I can only grant one.
– What a pity, Morgan whispered. It would be so practical to have three.
– I’m not a genie, the fairy grumped.
– Do genies really grant three wishes? asked Morgan.
– Yes, in a way, the fairy admitted. But…
– Then I know what I want! Morgan exclaimed. Make a genie come out of the lamp!
– Are you sure? The fairy asked. Beware, because they are very… Well, I can’t tell humans those kind of secrets. If you want a genie, just be careful.
– All right. Please make a genie come out of the lamp.

The fairy took the spray, put some on the cloth, rubbed the lamp. A huge cloud of smoke burst out of it, and a genie appeared.

– Frankly, Eddy, the fairy protested, coughing. Couldn’t you appear with less fuss?
– You know my style, Helen, the genie answered. Hello, madam, the genie said to Morgan. What can I do for you?
– Is it true that you can grant me three wishes? Morgan asked.
– Yes Mam, the genie answered.
– Careful, the fairy warned.
– What? the genie protested. You old witch!
– Don’t you dare! the fairy cried. You stupid fat show off! I’m just warning her.
– Warning her of what? the genie insisted. You ugly hag!
– Please! Morgan said. Could you just behave and be polite?
– OK, the genie said. I’m sorry.
– So, can I say my three wishes? Morgan asked.
– Well, you have only one left, the genie answered.
– Why? I haven’t asked for anything yet! Morgan objected.
– First, the genie explained, you have wished to know if I could grant you three wishes ; that counts for one ; then you have wished that I should behave and be polite ; that counts for two.
– That’s not fair! Megan cried.
– I warned you, the fairy insisted.
– Don’t interfere, the genie protested. You plucked old owl!
– You lazy pig! the fairy cried. They don’t want to work, she explained to Morgan, that’s why they count any question as a wish.
– Did you call me a pig? the genie cried. Beware! I might turn you into one! You vixen!
– You prat! The fairy answered.

On they went, arguing and calling each other names, louder and louder. Finally Morgan shouted:

– Stop it! STOP IT! Oh my god… I wish I had never bought this lamp!

And immediately she cried:

– NO! That’s not what I meant!

But it was too late. The lamp, the fairy and the genie had disappeared.